thinking of what really is time.
Counting up one to five,
listening to the symphony of sighs.
Singing my heart with the rain,
pouring my feelings out in vain.
Following the rhythm of the sane,
waiting for something that never came.
Cold wind softly blowing by,
chilling my bones from inside.
Rustling leaves with a cry,
sending thunders with flashing lights.
Storm is in the moment of my mind,
crashing the waves of confusions aside.
Weary is the one being tossed and bound,
still finding shore, walking blinded.
Lucky is the one for when time finally stopped,
frozen in place for all eternity could have.
Condemned and buried in a gap,
forgotten forever in a snap.
Closing my eyes, thinking again of what is time,
pieces of metals and gears tick tocking by.
Drifting to somewhere peacefully chimed,
Loving the rain.
Stranger Passing-By
SP-B/06/18/12
In your poem, there might be some errors on your phrases and a bit on the grammars, but you the good thing is, the readers can really feel the coldness of your poem. It signifies not just the coolness of the weather but also the coldest of feelings. The poem connects the atmosphere of the rain to the atmosphere of the writer's mind.
ReplyDeleteNicely done. :)
Oh Master SenSei... thank you for your comment. Please do tell me my errors that I may correct them ^_^
DeleteLol. ^^ Alright. Hehe.
Delete(Counting one up to five,)-> Counting up one to five
(pouring my feelings, out in vain.)-> No comma (,)
(waiting for something, that never came.)-> No comma (,)
(Cold wind blowing softly by,)-> softly blowing
(Weary is the one being tossed and bind,
still finding shore, walking blind.)-> binded* blinded*
(Lucky is the one when time finally stopped,
Frozen in place for all eternity could have.)-> "lucky is the one" doesn't really connect to "when time fially stopped". Frozen should start in a small "f".
(Condemned to be buried in a gap,)-> condemned and buried*
At the last stanza, every after comma, a word should start in a small letter. Only capitalize after a period or when starting a new sentence/paragraph/stanza. ^^
There ya' go. Hehe. Wish you all the best. ^^
Thank you Oh Master SenSei for showing me your way. ^_^
DeleteI am learning from you! Thanks!
I know my poems are a little rough on the edges. :)
Thank you for correcting :D
I like the way you alter (Condemned to be buried in a gap,)to " condemned and buried "
Deletethat part really didn't feel right.hahaha. thanks again! ^_^
Haha. No prob. ^^
ReplyDelete